December Sadness

It's not unusual to feel down this time of year. We're supposed to feel happy and excited all the time, but in reality, the holidays can be overwhelming. Halloween came and went with Hurricane Sandy. The power of nature and the devastation was humbling. Where I live, near Poughkeepsie, NY, we were very lucky and spared from the worst of it. But all around us, others were not so lucky. They are struggling today, even. Thanksgiving is always so much work for me. But it's my favorite holiday, so it really is a labor of love. Having my kids and my sister's family here and just enjoying being with each other is a joy. But since Thanksgiving I haven't been able to get any of my energy back. I feel exhausted and in pain in every joint in my body. Sleep is as elusive as ever. The For Sale sign is still on  my lawn, but I am happy to still be in my home. My husband hasn't been able to move his right pinky for some time now--it's bent in half. Turns out he'll need surgery to fix it. I never heard of Dupuystren's -- but he's got it. He meets the surgeon tomorrow morning to find out all the details and whatnot. This past Friday I took a vacation day from work with the intent to drive up to Oneonta and bring my son, Ryan, home from college for his Christmas break. But it turned out that my other sons, Rich & Sean, decided they would get him. It was also my niece, Jenn's, 18th birthday and it was pretty nice outside, too. I was delighted to have a real "vacation" day to myself and decided I would do a marathon of Christmas shopping and then meet my husband and his brother at Double-O for drinks and apps. I relaxed in the morning and had just posted on my Facebook the above-mentioned plans. Not a half hour later a breaking news report came on TV about how Newtown, CT schools were in a lockdown with reports of shots fired. I turned the TV off and got ready and then went shopping. In my car, I listen to satellite radio...no commercials or news...just E Street radio and holiday music stations. So when I got to the restaurant, I was floored to see what had happened in Newtown. All around me people were stunned. The media, meanwhile, couldn't get their facts straight and were even interviewing the little school children. I was disgusted! There is no journalism anymore...just sensationalism. Me and Sean and Ryan went to the Palisades Mall on Saturday.  I couldn't shake the feeling of apprehension in being in such a big, open place and being vulnerable to anything. I saw people that looked just like me. I saw people that made me wonder if they were the one that was going to go off today. It felt very much like September 12, 2001. Man's inhumanity to man is unfathomable. I can understand people being down and angry...but kill yourself and leave everyone else alone. What a coward to just randomly ruin so many lives! It's just heartbreaking and sickening. In the middle of the night last night, I woke up feeling nauseous, with abdominal pains shooting down my right leg. I felt like I was going to throw up. So I went into the bathroom, but didn't throw up. But while I was in there, contemplating why I was feeling the way I was, I could hear water running. I figured Richie's toilet downstairs was running. I was so annoyed and went to check, but it wasn't running. I noticed that in my laundry room it was very hot and I thought that I could smell gas from the furnace. Then I started to feel panicky, thinking something was wrong and that might be why I was feeling ill. Before I left for work this morning, I told my husband that I felt like I was going to throw up and then I told him about my night. He said he would call the guy to come and clean the furnace. I got to work and the first thing I was told was that my boss had called in sick because she was throwing up all night. I thought, oh crap, stomach bug! I always say "You know it's Christmas when everyone is throwing up." So I figured that was that, and hoped I'd make it through the day. I nibbled on some salty pretzels around 11:00 a.m. or so, and hoped it would help. But waves of nausea kept washing over me. Around noon, my husband called and he was in a panic. He said I needed to come home right away. He didn't know what to do. I thought that maybe there was something terribly wrong with our furnace and hot water heater. He told me that the town was at our house. When the repairman was in the house for the furnace, he discovered that he, too, could hear rushing water, but it wasn't IN the house. So he called the town and they came out and so now they knew that there must be a broken pipe somewhere on our property. They had to leave to get some equipment they needed and Rich wanted me to be home when they got back. If it was our problem, homeowners insurance would not cover it. I felt terrible leaving my co-workers, but I didn't feel well either, so I went home. The next couple of hours were tense and the town had to cut a hole through my driveway...all the while I was fighting the nausea...I dozed off here and there. Finally, they were done for today, They have to come back tomorrow morning to determine where the water is actually going. But it looks like the problem is going to be the town's responsibility to fix. Of course, it's going to be a mess for us, no matter what. I'm still nauseous, but still haven't thrown up. Tomorrow has to be a better day for all of us. I'm praying for some sleep for me and to feel better, not worse. I'm praying for Newtown, CT. I don't know how they'll ever feel better and move on. I just don't know anything, I guess. I pray for Peace on Earth, too.